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Q: How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune,
and Halloween costume to create something tasty?

A: Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.


Q: Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party?
A: They knew he wouldn't show up.


Q: Why don't witches have babies?
A: Their husbands have hollow weenies


Q: Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
A: He was caught drinking on the job!

Q: Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
A: Women can see right through them!

Q: What do ghosts drive?
A: Boo-icks

Q: Where do skeletons go to swim?
A: The Dead Sea!

Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a drip-dry suit?
A: A wash-and-werewolf!

Q: What did the boy monster do when the girl monster rolled her eyes at him?
A: He picked them up and rolled them back to her!

Q: Why didn't the skeleton like disco?
A: Because he didn't have any soul!

Q: What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo!

Q: What do baby monsters call their parents?
A: Mummy and Deadie!


Q: Daddy, why do all the other kids call me werewolf?
A: Be quiet son, just go and comb your face!

Q: What did the witch say to her brand new little broom?
A: Go to SWEEP, little baby!

Q: Who did the zombie invite to his Halloween party?
A: Anyone he could dig up!

Q: What do you call a fairy that won't take a bath?
A: Stinkerbell!


Q: Why are gyspies noisy lovers?
A: They have crystal balls

Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover?
A: Don't press your luck.

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A: A walkie talkie!


Q: What is Frankenstein's favorite waterway?
A: The Eerie Canal.

Q: What is a ghosts favorite ride at the midway?
A: A roller ghoster!!

Q: Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the
A: He wants to use them later for cold cuts!!

Q: What is Dracula's favorite coffee? 
A: De'coffin'ated! 

Q: What is a baby ghost's favorite game? 
A: Peek-a-boo!

Q: How does a werewolf like his eggs for breakfast?
A: Terrorfried!

Q: What is a Mummies' favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!

Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.

Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving.

Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween? 
A: Prank-enstein!

Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.

Q: Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.

Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: "How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

Q: What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
A: Ghost toasties with booberries.

Q: What's soft, moldy and flies?
A: A spoiled bat.

Q: What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
A: "You're under a vest!"

Q: What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
A: He had to give it back.

Q: Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
A: He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A: A dead ringer.

Q: What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
A: I'd like to get to gnaw you.

Q: Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
A: "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights.

Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.

Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: She looks at her witch watch.

Q: Where can you see a real ugly monster?
A: In the mirror.

Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you're a mouse

Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose?
A: The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

Q: What's the best place for a mirror?
A: In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A: A holy terror.

Q: What goes "Oob, oob!"
A: A witch in reverse.

Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A: She flies off the handle.

Q: Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

Q: Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
A: It was his bat.

Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Put your boos and shocks on.

Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: See you next month!

Q: What is a monster's favorite lunch meat? 
A: Boo-loney!

Q: How can you enter a haunted house?
A: With a skeleton key.

Q: How can you fatten up a ghost?
A: With ghoulash and spooketti.

Q: What is a ghost's favorite ride?
A: A roller ghoster.

Q: How can a witch tell the time?
A: By using a witch watch.

Q: What is bigger than a monster but lighter than a bird?
A: A monster's shadow.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a ghost with a black bird?
A: A scare-crow.

Q: Where do ghosts take their dirty coats?
A: To a dry-screamers.

Q: What did the phantom on guard duty outside the haunted castle say when he heard a noise?
A: 'Halt! Who ghosts there?'

Q: Why was the shy ghost frightened of going to the opticians' party?
A: Because he thought he might make a spooktacle of himself.

Q: What music do ghosts like?
A: Haunting melodies.

Q: How did the two ghosts fall in love?
A: It was love at first fright.

Q: On what day do ghosts play tricks on each other?
A: April Ghoul's Day.

Q: Where can you catch a ghost train?
A: At a mainfestation.

Q: Why did the female ghoul like demons?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Q: What do you call a female ghost who serves drinks and food on a 'plane?
A: An air ghostess.

Q: What kind of coffee does Count Dracula drink?
A: Decoffinated

Q: Why couldn't the witch have babies?
A: Because her husband had a holloweeny.


Q: What do you call an ugly old woman who sits on the beach casting spells?
A: A sand witch.

Q: What did the witch do when her broom broke down?
A: She witch-hiked.

Q: How can you easily make a witch itch?
A: Remove the 'w'.

Q: What do you call a witch's husband when he's travelling on her broomstick?
A: A flying sorcerer.

Q: What do young witches like best in school?
A: Spelling lessons.

Q: What do you get if a witch gets flu?
A: Cold spells.

Q: What is a werewolf's favorite type of story?
A: A hairy tale!

Q: Did you hear about the hippie werewolf?
A: He was fur out, man!

Q: What do you call two witches who live together?
A: Brommates!

Q: Did you hear about the obnoxious pumpkin?
A: He was a real jerk-o'-lantern!

Q: What does an Australian witch ride on?
A: A broomerang!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a witch with a famous director?
A: Steven Spellberg!

Q: Where do spooks go to mail a letter?
A: The ghost office.

Q: What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man?
A: "Long time, no see!"

Q: When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?
A: When you're a mouse!

Q: What happened when the little witch misbehaved?
A: She was sent to her broom.

Q: What do you say to a depressed vampire?
A: "Fang in thre!"

Q: How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A: Try tickling his funny bone!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas?
A: A ghoul Yule!

Q: What is Dracula's favorite line for meeting girls?
A: "Hey, gorgeous. What's your blood type?"

Q: How come vampires never seem to have any trouble?
A: Because they're a pain in the neck!

Q: How did the ghost look in her designer sheet?
A: Boo-tiful!

Q: What did the angry skeleton say to the other skeleton?
A: "I have a bone to pick with you!"

Q: What do little sppoks call their parents?
A: Mummy & Deady.

Q: Why was Frankenstein acting so strangely?
A: His head wasn't screwed on right.

Q: Where do little monsters play at recess?
A: In the ghoulyard!

Q: What did the Pilgrim vampire celebrate?
A: Fangsgiving.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Independence day?
A: The Fourth of Ghoul-ly!

Q: Why were the trick-or-treaters wearing grass skirts?
A: Because it was Hulaween!

Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school? 
A: Spelling

Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor? 
A: Because he was coffin

Q: What does a vampire fear most? 
A: Tooth decay

Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account? 
A: At a blood bank

Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween? 
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? 
A: To the dead sea

Q: What is Transylvania? 
A: Dracula's terror-tory

Q: Where does dracula water ski? 
A: On Lake Erie

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis? 
A: A blood vessel

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference? 
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: What is a ghosts favourite kind of cereal? 
A: Scream of wheat!

Q: What name does a spider and a dictionary have in common?
A: Webster!

 Why Halloween is better than sex.

10. You're guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.

9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.

8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

7. Less guilt the morning after.

6. It doesn't matter if they fantasize you're somebody else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.

2. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!

Q: Where does a vampire keep his Easter candy?
A: In his Easter casket!

Q: How does a monster begin a fairy tale?
A: "Once upon a slime..."

Q: What's worse than a vampire with a toothache?
A: A skeleton with arthritis!

Q: What happened when the ghost disappeared in the fog?
A: He was mist.

Q: Where's the most dangerous place to go trick-or-treating?
A: On the psycho path!

Q: Did you hear about the really stupid horror movie?
A: It was shudder nonsense!

Q: Did you hear about the Egyptian monster who was a terrible driver?
A: He was a crash mummy!

Q: Did you hear about the starving vampire?
A: He was all gums!

Q: Why is it tough to compete against a vampire?
A: Because they're always out for blood!

Q: Did you hear about the vampire in Camelot?
A: He was a bite of the Round Table!

Q: What would you get if you corssed Dracula with Captain Kidd?
A: A vampirate!

Q: What did vampire call his girlfriend?
A: His "vein squeeze"!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a prehistoric creature with a witch?
A: A dino-sorceress!

Q: What did the little ghost eat for lunch?
A: A booloney sandwich!

Q: What do little monsters like to drink?
A: Ghoul-Aid!
Q: What do you call eyeglasses for a ghost?
A: Spooktacles!

Q: Where would you find the graves of famous English ghouls?
A: Westmonster Abbey!

Q: How did the bootician style the ghost's hair?
A: With a scare dryer!

Q: What did the dog say to the skeleton?
A: "I'd like to get to gnaw you."

Q: Why didn't the little monster go trick-or-treating?
A: He didn't have a costume.

Q: Is it good to drink witch's brew?
A: Yes, it's very newt-tricious!

Q: Why is a ghost like an empty house?
A: Because there's no body there!

Q: What happened when the vampire met the werewolf?
A: They became the best of fiends!

Q: What Central American country has the most spooks?
A: Ghosta Rica!

Q: What would you get if you crossed the Wolfman with a dog?
A: A werewolf!

Q: Did you hear about the ghost who went on safari?
A: He was a big-game haunter!

Q: What game do baby ghosts like to play?
A: Shriek-a-boo!

Q: Did you hear about the new ice cream for monsters?
A: It's called "Cookies and Scream."

Q: What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas?
A: A ghoul Yule!

Q: Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation?
A: At the Howliday Inn!

Q: Where does the Wolfman live?
A: In a werehouse!

Q: How do zombies celebrate Halloween?
A: They paint the town dead!

Q: What oinks amd drinks blood?
A: A hampire!

Q: Why are haunted houses so noisy in April?
A: That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!

Q: What's orange on the inside and clear on the outside?
A: A pumpkin in a plastic bag!

Q: What does a vampire take for a cold?
A: Coffin syrup!

Q: Where do ghost ships like to cruise?
A: In the Scare-ibbean Sea!

Q: What European capital has the most ghosts?
A: Boodapest!

Q: What did the ghost serve at his Halloween party?
A: Hallowieners!

Q: What is a witch's favorite TV show?
A: Lifestyles of the Witch and Famous!
Q: What do fishermen say on Halloween?
A: "Trick-or-trout!"

Q: What do birds say on Halloween?
A: "Trick-or-tweet!"

Q: What would you get if you crossed a pumpkin with a Magic superstar?
A: A shaq-o'-lantern!

Q: Why did the pumpkin wear a football helmet?
A: Because it was a jack-o'-lantern!

Q: What do you call a ghost at midnight?
A: A sheet in the dark!

Q: What did the man say when he saw the long-lost maniac?
A: "You're a psycho for sore eyes!"

Q: Did you hear about the ghost mortician?
A: He lived in a haunted hearse!

Q: Why did Dracula go to jail?
A: He tried to rob the blood bank.

Q: What do you call a fat Jack-o-Lantern?
A: A Plumpkin

Q: What do you get when you cross a Snowman with a Vampire?
A: Frostbite

Q: How do you fix a broken Jack-O-Lantern?
A: With A Pumpkin Patch

Q: What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
A: Why orange you orange?

Q: What did the pumpkin say to his girl friend?
A: "I seed you with another guy."

Q: What did the pumpkin say after Thanksgiving?
A: Good-Pie

Q: What did a mad pumpkin say to his enemy?
A: "I'll stem on your foot!"

Q: When asked how he was, what did the pumpkin reply?
A: "I'm vine, thank you."

Q: What did one jack-o'-lantern say to another?
A: "Cut it out!"

Q: What does a pumpkin pie say after a big meal?
A: "That was filling."

Q: What does a pumpkin tiger do?
A: Stalk Its Prey

Q: What does a pumpkin priest stand on?
A: A Pulpit

Q: What do pumpkins eat at ball games?
A: Pulp Corn

Q: What do pumpkins eat at McDonald's?
A: Bix Max

Q: What kind of romances do pumpkins have?
A: Mushy

Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash

Q: What's orange and goes putt-putt-putt?
A: An Outboard Pumpkin

Q: What does a pumpkin sew?
A: A Pumpkin Patch

Q: What vegetable does a pumpkin turn into when an elephant steps on it?
A: Squash

Q: What's orange and goes bzzzzzzzz?
A: An Electric Pumpkin

Q: What was orange and lived in Egypt?
A: Tutapumpkin

Q: What do pumpkin poets write?
A: Rinds

Q: What's orange and flies?
A: Super Pumpkin

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? 
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle! 

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? 
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? 
A. Bone appetite !

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? 
A. Day scare centers

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? 
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rainstorm? 
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert? 
A. Ice Scream

Q. What's a monster's favorite play? 
A. Romeo and Ghouliet

Q. What do witches put on their hair? 
A. Scare spray

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? 
A. Bamboo

Q. What's a haunted chicken? 
A. A poultry-geist

Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula? 
A. He has a big D on his pajamas

Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? 
A. Grandma monster

Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb? 
A. Because he was in need of a light snack 

Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? 
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster? 

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make? 
A. Boo boos

Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? 
A. Because of his coffin

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies? 
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps

Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat? 
A. Ghost-Toasties

Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? 
A. A wash and wear wolf

Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? 
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts

Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? 
A. Count Duckula

Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? 
A. A cereal killer

Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? 
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's

Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? 
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet? 
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What do witches use on their hair? 
A. Scare spray

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang? 
A. His other fang.

Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween? 
A: Twick or Tweet

Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? 
A: Tombstones

Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? 
A: It's good for the bones

Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? 
A: White Pillowcases
Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? 
A: Squash

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? 
A: Their bats flew away.

Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries? 
A: Because people are dying to get in. 

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 
A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch? 
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.

Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is? 
A: She looks at her witch-watch.

Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? 
A: Don't spook until your spooken to. 

Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? 
A: An amoeboo!

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night? 
A: By blood vessels.

Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? 
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend! 

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? 
A: He was repossessed. 

Q: What did the one pumpkin say to the other pumpkin when he had a fever?
A: You're burning up!